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Author Topic: What do you write?  (Read 1167 times)

Acido

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What do you write?
« on: July 13, 2010, 01:52:44 PM »

Hello guys, my names jake, and i was going to start a post, where you can post extracts of your work, to get constructive feedback, i dont know how well this will work, but ill do my best to monitor it,  and help comment on work.


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Valrick

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Re: What do you write?
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2010, 03:22:24 PM »

Did you have any particular kind of feedback in mind for this extract?

Also, is there any way you could reformat the quote? Bit of a pain to read.
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Acido

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Re: What do you write?
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2010, 04:08:34 PM »

ill get the ball rolling with a extract from a rougth draft im working on atm.

Quote
Rael was sat in a small candlelit room. He sat on a wooden chair delicately carved a hundred years ago by the same man who had brought the small log cabin to serve as the discrete headquarters for the age old order. The flames from the seventeen candles that lit the room cast flickering shadows that resembled fiery dancers trapped in a endless battle, so in captivating Rael did not notice the cloaked figure step through the grand pine door, walk silently across the room and place a ghostly pale hand on Rael’s bony shoulder. Rael Jumped up with a start sending the herbal tisane in his hand to the floor his hand flew to the sheathed dagger at his waist, spinning around in a merciless killer arc that sent his silver dagger hurtling towards the unknown man’s throat, the man calmly leaned back at the last second. The silver blade came to rest on the stubble on the stranger’s chin. The stranger and Rael looked into each other’s eyes, after several long moments the stranger lifted a hand to his chin, finding no cut, he said in a low whisper

“Hmm, I needed a shave.”

Real’s laughter pealed out and echoed throughout the house, sliding his dagger back into the hardened leather sheath, he managed to talk in-between laughter. “Sorry there Gaise, you should stop sneaking around like that, one day you won’t be able to dodge the knife.”

“When the day comes that I meet a man who is faster than me I will stop sneaking, or even better, just not sneak near him”

“What about the day you meet a man quieter than yourself?”

“I don’t intend to live long enough to meet such a man.”


granted its bad, but it was a rushed thing that im intending to re-do with more detail and better language



only way i could reformat it i think.


meh, i was mainly making this page for me to give feedback to other writers, but for myself, anything storyline or writing style would be apprciated, as i will go back over grammer in great detail later.
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Valrick

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Re: What do you write?
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2010, 10:13:15 AM »

I'll throw in a couple of things if you don't mind.


Firstly, I'd say you're suffering a little from telling and not showing. Here's an example;
Quote
He sat on a wooden chair delicately carved a hundred years ago...

Consider letting the reader fill in the blanks here. Let them come to a conclusion about it's age and origin. Perhaps,
Quote
Rael perched himself on a chair, it's spindly wooden legs still ornate with detail despite the wear showing in other places...

Also, watch your run-on sentences. The flow of the piece really suffers with these.
Quote
The flames from the seventeen candles that lit the room cast flickering shadows that resembled fiery dancers trapped in a endless battle, so in captivating Rael did not notice the cloaked figure step through the grand pine door, walk silently across the room and place a ghostly pale hand on Rael’s bony shoulder.

Your dialogue is good, with no grotesque speech tag abuse. Perhaps be mindful that your character's don't slip into cliché though.

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bellhop

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Re: What do you write?
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2010, 11:00:25 AM »

Bit of a necro here, but I write a lot of poetry (majoring in english writing) and try my hand at fiction often. Love your comments Valrick, and I'll post some examples of my own work for criticism once I'm home from work.

Sent from my SCH-R880 using Tapatalk
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